Snow

Do you ever feel like life is somehow passing you by, and you might just be a bystander to your own life, and that even if you got hit by life directly in the face you wouldn't feel anything? Thats how I've felt recently, you know out of touch with reality wishing I could really feel life in some way regardless of good or bad, just a feeling, any feeling. I know it sounds crazy, but thats how I've felt. Occasionally there are those rude blasts of feeling that you get when something breaks through and its like a pin suddenly and abruptly popped your balloon. You weren't ready for it it wasn't what you wanted just POP! and all of the sudden you are exposed, feeling again a with an acute sensitivity to everything. You feel raw, unused to these feelings, like a homeless dog might feel about being petted backwards, happy that you are feeling something and yet hurt by the lack of familiarity. These kind of experiences scream at you when your in your bubble, telling you to break out, to take control, to choose to feel something. You keep trying to tell them that you don't care, but deep down you really do care, you need to feel.

You wish that you could be alive and passionate about something, but you are not sure what you would even be passionate about. You are sure that it would take more effort than you have to feel something. You briefly ponder noble causes, things that you think you might feel very strongly about if you were brave enough. You have no idea how to feel passionate about something, sure there are things that you care deeply about, but not enough, it isn't enough, you don't care enough about any of it to be in acute pain if it was destroyed. You have a sick feeling in your stomach that you would just move on with a sense of oh well and a soft sigh. The thought of actually doing something about it however overwhelms you; quickly you start filling a new baloon eager to block out the feelings once again. You do this unconsciously without thinking. It's as if your body is in override mode, it doesn't want you to feel. You tell yourself that next time you will stay out, next time you will continue feeling, that next time you will be wake up and be alive.

You know however, that its the same story you told yourself last time, it didn't work, and you ponder what would it take to actually wake you up. You wonder how big of an explosion it would have to be to jerk you into feeling again, or what kind of terrible thing would have to happen to make you care, it makes you sad, because you think that you might not even care if something horrific did happen, it scares you to think that if something horrific happened you'd just go on not caring, that it might make it impossible to ever wake up because it would be to painful.

The other day it snowed, and it was so beautiful. It hardly ever snows here in England or so I'm told and I don't know if we are going to get anymore while I am here. The snow we did get was only an inch or so and it was almost entirely gone by morning. Anyways I decided to take advantage of the snow while I could and go out for a walk. It was one of those spur of the moment thoughts that you get sometimes. I was sitting quite comfortably in my room not even planning to go out and enjoy the snow. I was disappointed that there wasn't enough to do anything with, however for some reason I just got up and went out, I didn't bring a coat or anything I just went out in my sneakers, jeans, and a T-shirt.

I stepped outside and suddenly I was awake! As the abrupt change in temperature registered my skin tingled from the cold and the air felt sharp, fresh and cold. The snow was falling softly, the flakes just floating down as if they had all the time in the world. The flakes landed on my face gently and melted into cold water drops that ran down my face. I just stood there mesmerized, I felt the snow calling me to go, just to go out, somewhere, anywhere.

I only walked for a couple of hours, but it seemed like days, just enjoying the feeling of being alive. The evening was timeless, no one knew where I was, no one cared where I was, I was just walking thrilled to be out, excited to see what was around the next corner, I was awake, I was alive and I was feeling everything. Every nerve in my body was tense and alert, my senses working in overload as they were suddenly yanked from dormancy, the sounds, ordinary sounds, even of cars whizzing by, were beautiful, and I found myself taking pictures. Pictures of ordinary things, things that in real life aren't even pretty, things we take for granted, a graffiti-ed brick wall, a weed growing in the sidewalk, a clock tower on the top of a building, and even my own footprints seemed magical. It was as if everything was suddenly awake, alive, and I was aware of it all, I was part of it, and I was awake, I was alive!

It was incredible, I wandered around downtown for a long time, just walking in no particular direction, for no particular reason, I was in another world. Abruptly I realized I couldn't feel my hands anymore and started back. Walking back I had lots of time to think, my cheeks were red and cold, my nose was running, I was worried because I couldn't feel feet or hands, I was cold and anxious to get back, but somehow at the same time I was happy. I was happy because I could feel my red face, and that my hands were frozen, I was happy, because I was alive.